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Another Inevitable Journal Entry... Return to The Town Pub


CørvisCorvâx
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...

Post by CørvisCorvâx on Mon Dec 12, 2011 1:35 pm

Hello journal, I must have hit my head harder than I thought with that last blackout. I don't know what day it is, nor do I much care... I doubt anyone will ever see those opal rings again anyway. Damn budget cuts.

I woke up this morning with my stomach pinching my insides for every spare bit of fat that it could digest, all the while growling at me to get my weak ass off the ground and search for food. I smiled wryly and told my stomach to shut up. I couldn't be that weak, after all I hunted stags all the time and after the hits I dealt them, all that was left was leather. Not a single edible scrap of food remained after a decent strike from yours truly. It replied by biting my naval from the inside causing me to wrench in hungered agony. So I did what any warrior determined to survive would do. I stood up. I traveled by Map because walking just seemed too time consuming for my weakened legs. I put a few ads in the papers, dropped a few items at auction houses. I got a few messages from people willing to trade me some food for the items. I could almost feel my stomach leap with relief.

Unfortunately my stomach is one of my least convincing organs. As I sat ready to devour a large morsel of food, I saw a trader passing by toting a bag of goods. He appeared a bit shady, but curiosity got the better of me and I could still pack a punch if he tried anything funny, so I took a moment to see what he had in the bag. A large rope that if by magic seemed to illuminate the bag in pink radiance caught my eye. He whispered, "Only 100 bites of your food, and I will let you have it" and as if by some mystical spell, I pulled the string of glowing bulbs out of his sack and began packing them carefully away in my pack as he began taking his 100 bites.... foolish of me I know. His bites were those of a bad date that had just passed on your offer to buy her dessert, but then asked for just "one" bite of yours--You know what I'm talking about... The silly female pride prohibits them from ordering something that may add an inch to their hips but then take a bite of your pie that would have fit better on a shovel than the teaspoon the waiter provided. Hell she might as well have put her face in the bowl and inhaled... I digress, anyway those days are long gone. I haven't found a restaurant that even offered dessert in these parts since.. well since I can remember. And here I sat, 1000 bites later, I found my food sack empty again and my pack filled with shiny trinkets, glowing lights and a icicle tipped staff that didn't quite fit in my pack and mostly just gave me the odd craving to murder a proctologist if I were to ever find one.

The man walked away patting his stomach and cackling at his gain. These were hard times and food was scarce, he knew that... I knew that. But my passion for war and weapons had somehow veiled my need for the food that now lay cozy at the bottom of a scavenger's stomach. The thought crossed my mind to gut him and take the food back... but I am no bird. And I would never stoop to eating someone else's regurgitation. Even if it was only halfway through the process still dripping with the juicy gravies and slightly mixed with that bit of bile and digestive fluids... it could still be.. satis-- NO.. no. I am not that desperate.

I began traveling again when a messenger roc came to me with a message from one of the taverns. Someone had work for me. At first I wasn't sure whether to accept or even respond. In fact, I was a bit offended at the suggestion. The movie was stupid and I had no encouragement for being a part of a sequel, but the message did promise that it had nothing to do with Kevin James or Donnie Wahlberg, so I gave it some consideration. The prospects of food and the absence of shiny weapons had put my thinking process straight. I needed food. And I needed it soon. So I agreed to be a Zookeeper in a mysterious place filled with zoos. No houses, city structures, just zoo after zoo after zoo. Most of them filled with the same stupid animals; a gorilla, a crocodile, a giraffe, and a hippopotamus. There were a few zoos where the keepers hadn't committed suicide within the first 5 minutes of work that had managed to secure for themselves some loud annoying owls. The most annoying thing about these zoos was that the employer refused to let us call the zoo anything else but "Zoo". I argued,
CorvisCorvax wrote:"But what is going to set my zoo apart from the other zoos in this country?"
The only response was,
TapZoo Franchise Distributor wrote:"Shut up and pick up that newspaper that the kid just dropped."
I couldn't help but think, "Since when do little kids read newspapers?"

What's wrong with this world, they should be lighting mines on fire and taunting orcs about the dis-proportioned size of their legs when compared to their heads. Or shooting slings at the moshas that have also fallen victim to the lack of food as their appearance now resembled that of an annorexic squirrel, you know the one that always loses his acorn but submits himself to all manner of pain and abuse in his attempt to retrieve it? Again, I digress... point is this world was backwards, but it was going to give me food. So I endured. My gorillas had a baby, then my crocodile had a baby, then my giraffe had a baby, then my hippo had a baby... then My owl had a baby. Then I thought... yeah this world is really messed up all the mammals are laying eggs. I had seen V and I knew that this had to be some alien invasion. I would destroy the eggs and the hatching facility. But I didn't have any of those cool neon blue grenades, so I just lit a torch, cause I am good with torches...

But I was interrupted by a very large chubby man with rosey cheeks. He flew in to my zoo without the aid of any rocs, but instead sat in a boxed contraption pulled by 8 flying stags. I drew my axe as he approached but he just laughed, his overstuffed belly shaking like a bowl of jello. He said with a smile that stank of too many days of over eating and gluttonous living in a time where many of us were reduced to zoo keeping just to get a measly portion of food. He raised his hands and pleaded for me to let him speak before I got any crazy ideas. I lowered the axe. And he proposed that he would feed me if I were to build a secret spot in my zoo where his stags could have refuge. So I built the facility with care and precision expecting a large reward of food from this portly gentleman, he obviously had food to spare. When he returned from his evening of roc nog and frivolities, he passed me a measly 30 bites worth of food and stammered a drunken "Thank you."

I can't say I am proud of what I did next, but I share so that others may learn from my mistakes and not judge too hastily in anger... I shoved him on the ground and with an armful of snow white washed his face blinding him with bitter snow. Then as he rolled back and forth crying, "Ralphyyyyy, Heeelp, I caaan't get up," I kicked some more snow on the portly nut job and skinned his stags. I had no idea who Ralphy was, but with a name like that he would sooner shoot his eye out than threaten me; So I walked away taunting him over my shoulder, "Get a LifeAlert© old man". Again, I can't say I am proud of what I did, but I have a feeling I will sleep warm tonight wrapped in the fresh leathers, still steaming from the overworked stags... ah yes. Revenge served cold has a funny way of keeping a man warm at night.

Image

Corvis Corvax,
The Exiled Warrior, Future Pet Groomer Extraordinaire-- Future Farmer of PK-- Fired Zookeeper--The Tired, but still deadly and mean
Last edited by CørvisCorvâx on Fri Feb 24, 2012 11:49 am, edited 1 time in total.


CørvisCorvâx
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...Age of Evolution

Post by CørvisCorvâx on Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:26 am


I woke with a start. My hands were sweaty and my skin cold to the touch. I had had a terribe nightmare. I was hunting magnatheres on my mine trail when I saw a group of monsters standing behind a dusk tree. But they weren't just standing there. Traders had them shackled and chained down poisoning them into submission as they grew weak. The traders were feeding them old corpses whose souls had long been deleted or hacked away and old monsters long made obsolete with evolution. The monsters were obviously full to the brim and sick at the thought of eating a single bite more, but the traders continued forcing the corpses down their gullets. Then much to my dismay each one produced some unsightly defecation. Now that isn’t anything I hadn’t seen before monsters were constantly leaving their mess on my trails it was just part of nature. The surprise lay in the shape of the filth. One in the shape of a helmet, another shaped like some dragon skull, even a dragon tooth was expelled and quietly recovered, a couple helmets, something that looked like armor. The traders had discovered something. The dragons and magnatheres weren’t just valuable for earning gold, they could produce dull items that merchants and crafters could then carve, polish, paint, and sell as swag in the local trade posts.
All my plans and efforts to kill people so there would be more food in circulation was slowly becoming for not as the merchants plotted and schemed to overfill the trade posts to steal that precious food. I paid little mind and brushed it off as a dream until I went to the trade post to sell the freshly cut stone I had mined from the quarry. Much to my surprise there were those same polished and painted swag items that monsters had produced in my dream… was it a dream? Was crap swag the new evolution of my world?


…To Be Continued…
(Working on Image-Snagit is a terrible Photo Editor)


Thugmuffin.
 
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...Age of Evolution

Post by Thugmuffin. on Tue Feb 07, 2012 12:11 pm

CorvisCorvax wrote:All my plans and efforts to kill people so there would be more food in circulation was slowly becoming for not as the merchants plotted and schemed to overfill the trade posts to steal that precious food. I paid little mind and brushed it off as a dream until I went to the trade post to sell the freshly cut stone I had mined from the quarry.

this


CørvisCorvâx
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...

Post by CørvisCorvâx on Fri Feb 24, 2012 11:57 am

Well things turned around for a bit. I woke up from a dream where I had no legs but floated like some gaseous apparition and had no belly to feed. It actually seems quite a good thing compared to the life I am living now. My feet hurt from always walking everywhere. No matter how fast I move, it seems my feet are under the control of some Fascist Celtic dance choreographer(which wouldn't be so bad if I could move my arms- I might be able to impress some of the lady folk). I often stumble over my Irish jigging feet when shield charging... even the damned troodants dodge me now, and I swear I heard a troll snicker when I ran into the mourning tree it was praying under. Someday I will find this Celtic version of grand Loki and punish him.

Things have been going downhill lately. My job is still paying when I have time to go. The translations are becoming more difficult with more people hiring on. I thought I might have tenure established but the youngsters keep biting at my heels. So I thought I would spend some time in the self employment arena. I saw a need and filled it. Nations were complaining about a stench coming from their shores... small poo-like creatures had been encroaching the land, their source suspected of being in the deep waters where portals had opened up into a under water city. Even though I wasn't a plumber, I was a warrior and just as capable of dealing with crap...
Enemies and ex wives will teach you how to suffer through crap, so I made the nation an offer and they accepted.

I went in cocksure and head strong with my trusty axe, favorite shield and favorite scale mail. I wasn't prepared, sure I had a few traps in case I needed them, but really nothing had ever stood that strong of a challenge to me. Certainly some squishypoo wouldn't stand in my way. But the scenes I beheld put me in my place. Snails that shat living poo that fought with the strength of ten wolves and some of the creatures came with glowing hoods that when unveiled released an explosion that almost cost me my life but left me sitting, gasping for breath while chomping my berries. I endured, behind my protection each time the explosions came drawing my ice bow to cool them off like a cold shower should. Room to room I went when I slipped through a tiny hole in the center of the room. I traveled back in time oddly enough without a flux capacitor and I certainly wasn't going faster than 5 miles per hour so this goes out to Doc Brown, "Stop buying plutonium from terrorists." Anyway I digress...

I opened some gates and discovered epic beasts on the other end of the doors. One took control of my summoned skeletons. Another had more tentacles than a hentai toon. I was nervous. The last one was merely a large head with a spear stuck through it... I suppose that is the problem though when you have a body that is the consistency of play dough. I made quick work of it dodging the poop creatures that it summoned. When I had slain the third one, I was relieved. There were after all only three corridors and all had big monsters where it became a dead end. I was 30 lbs lighter from the panic, lost packs and broken weapons, that I was ecstatic to finally get out of there. I wandered back to the central hallway when I stepped on a plate and a blue light shot from the floor and I felt my body breaking into a million pieces as I can imagine it was required to move me from that room to the one where I now stood... I was just glad that I hadn't been turned into a human devouring giant fly...

I made slow work of him and in all I was in for 3 days and came out with a measly wage from that ever grateful nation. I smiled apathetically. I had lost enough packs that the gold barely made up for it. But I devised a plan. Purchased some supplies and with practice and time I discovered a way I could earn a bit more gold. I began charging by the hour rather than the job. I would wait in the underwater cities for days until I needed food. Then I would wander out looking disheveled and charge my fee. Now I am not one for scamming people and have never done so. I told them what I would charge and then they paid. Everyone got what they expected and I walked away a millionaire. I bought a cottage in the Himalayas with a nest side view of the infamous zagharu.

But business has died down now. Last contract I signed I only earned 70,000 gp for it. I got into the room where I usually rested and waited out my days, and the creature had gone through some transfiguration (I think it was steroids cause all the sudden this guy's arms were ripped). He stopped calling his minions and mine slowly began to vanish. We stood there for several minutes glaring into each others' eyes until I finally got bored. Apparently this Boss got more budget cuts, (Yay more funding for ObamaCare). I vanished into the center hallway again and was immediately taken to the last creature chained up like some prisoner. I allowed his minions to free him several times in for a few small payoffs for them. But it seemed that was a bad decision because I soon turned into Bill Murry in a sci-fi parody of Groundhog Day. My whole day just started over and over again each time I freed him. I found myself walking straight back into the lair of the green squid to start the mission all over again. Time returned to normal after I finally chopped it's tentacles off and cracked its skull, but my scheme for taking enormous amounts of money from the various kingdom's underwater cities had come to an end... stupid budget cuts.


The Exiled Warrior, Future Pet Groomer Extraordinaire-- Future Farmer of PK-- Fired Zookeeper--Bored Milkman--The Tired, but still deadly and mean
Last edited by CørvisCorvâx on Fri Apr 20, 2012 9:51 am, edited 2 times in total.


Starwars6374
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...

Post by Starwars6374 on Sat Mar 03, 2012 6:01 am

I finally understood the blackouts joke.


CørvisCorvâx
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...

Post by CørvisCorvâx on Sat Mar 03, 2012 6:38 am

Starwars6374 wrote:I finally understood the blackouts joke.


lol

Well better to come to the party late than not at all.


CørvisCorvâx
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...

Post by CørvisCorvâx on Mon Aug 06, 2012 4:38 am

I was wandering through this dungeon today and discovered that I am as quick as that Indy character. I ran down the hallway after opening the doorway to the overseer, as he has become to be known as. Retracing my steps, I thought, "gosh I wonder what would happen if I pulled that lever again?" And so I quickly flung my whip around it and gave a pull as I slid through the closing door.


Image

When I went back through the portal, I discovered my folly.


Image

How could I have let this happen? Why did I let my curiosity get the better of me? And why won't my cell phone work down here? I may need some assistance...


Image


See what I did? Please send food and water... but mostly food.


SAShawn
 
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...

Post by SAShawn on Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:52 pm

※Ðϧ※Ç.Čëąśę∂ wrote:Image

What is that armor you are wearing? :D


[Hobos]Kawigi
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...

Post by [Hobos]Kawigi on Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:56 pm

Poison lava-veined breastplate (exotic monster swag for billangers)?


CørvisCorvâx
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Re: Another Inevitable Journal Entry...

Post by CørvisCorvâx on Thu Aug 16, 2012 1:28 pm

[Hobos]Kawigi wrote:Poison lava-veined breastplate (exotic monster swag for billangers)?


Yep from Billangers. With Emerald studs.

As a side note, I will buy any lava vein bps until I have one of each metal.

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